Holidays mean that we’re supposed to write stuff or something. That’s what it said in some article that I skimmed about successful blogging. That whole waste of the GBs looked stupid, because we don’t do a single thing listed and we still get like 5 views a week. Take that, standards! Anyway, it’s some sort of day to celebrate food that makes you poop, and things that make you happy (or at least not entirely suicidal). So here’s a list of the 5 things we are thankful for at GDHD.
5. Pisspants
It’s no secret. In the future, it will be socially acceptable to pee yourself in public. This is a day that couldn’t come soon enough. Long have I… longed… for the chance to just drench my left leg-sheath with my own leakage. The ability to make water without the hassle of unbuckling belts or closing doors or worrying about your rogue stream hitting the pee-er next to you… it will be pure freedom. The future is coming. And so is Constellation U-rine.
1. Being able to write whatever the fuck we want on here
Yeah, that means we don’t have to write a full 5 things because we’re lazy asses and filled with so many mashed po-tates. Everything is stupid anyway, and we aren’t thankful for a god damn thing. All matter is made of pee-holes, and everyone we’ve ever met in our lives has turned out to be a worthless let-down that never made it rich to support our habits. So this is our Thanksgiving entry, you poverty-stricken worthless twats. Fuck you all if you expected an actual post. Be thankful that we didn’t just post pictures of the dick-turkeys we made today.
This is the face we make when we find out you haven’t killed yourself yet.
Blah blah blah. Occupy Wall Street. We get it. People that wear suits can’t be trusted. I’ve been saying that for years. Anyone who spends that much money on clothes is an ultimate failure to begin with. Add to that the concept of a tie, quite literally a noose around your neck, and you’ve got the makings of a (handsome) fucktard.
My thoughts on monkey suits aside (but seriously, fuck them) I find myself with the oh-so-familiar “fuck everything” feeling welling up inside when I think about this protest. It’s not that I don’t back it, I do. Effin’ ess up is a favorite past time of mine and I encourage it with great fervor. People unifying against injustice is an awe-inspiring vision, I just hope it’s not in vain. It’s not the intention that fucks with me, it’s the fact that it’s completely missing the point.
First off, Wall Street doesn’t give a fuck what you do. They’ll continue to watch and lulz from their circling ivory jets fueled by their impotent seed which is constantly spewing from their hideous peeps at the thought of how unbelievably rich they are. It’s like the best parts of “Naked Lunch” and “Atlas Shrugged” got together to run a train on your mom while aborting pandas. I don’t know what the opposite of a boner is, but I’m sure you have one now.
Second, and this is the important part, it’s fucking useless anyway. That isn’t a defeatist attitude, that’s just the truth. I want shit to change. Believe me, if there were a Big Red Button I would fucking push it. I just doubt the same old song and dance we’ve been “engaging” in forever will bring about any real change.
Yesss! YEEESSSS!!!
It’s useless because Wall Street represents just one part of an obsolete, unnecessary mechanism. Capitalism made sense for a time but it’s past its use-by date. There is no -ism for what comes next, and that’s ok. That’s actually the point. But I’ll get to that later.
Disclaimer: I’m an idiot.
Let’s break capitalism’s stupid face down with a little thought experiment. A company begins in a standard fashion. It produces a product that the consumer wants so it prospers. It begins to expand, producing more product and with it more jobs and its own internal economy. Ok ok, good so far. But this is where the fatal flaw is exposed. A company’s ideal situation is to consume its competition and have a monopoly on its market. There are of course laws in place to prevent such things but that alone should be a red flag. If there needs to be laws in place because the optimal state of an entity has negative consequences then, well, what the fuck are we talking about?!
Now let’s go a step further. For this experiment we’ll assume there are no anti-trust laws present. So our humble company continues to expand and gobble up its competition until it owns all the shares of its given market. Monopoly achieved. However this isn’t enough. The company has shareholders and shareholders expect growth. Since the company pwnd its competition how can it generate further profits? Well…
But it sure as shit doesn’t stop there. Growth is still needed which means the company has to begin consuming other companies outside of its original market. Conglomerate go! If capitalism were allowed to exist in its optimal state then, at least as far as I can tell, there would eventually only be one company. It’s pretty much exactly like Highlander.
But then what? There is now one company that produces literally everything and employs everyone. There still needs to be growth yea? So what can the company do now? They own and produce everything so where does the growth come from? Efficiency I suppose, probably in the form of automation. As many jobs as can be will be replaced by machines and people will begin to lose their jobs (sound familiar?) And with the company having effectively infinite resources at their disposal you can bet their R&D department would be un-fucking-real.
In the short term the company’s profits will increase as their payroll decreases. Obviously though, because they employ everyone, every person that gets laid off can no longer buy anything from the company. Whomp whomp. They are no longer an active member of the economy. Begin death spiral.
I know this is a ridiculous hypothetical. What I’m trying to highlight is that capitalism’s optimal expression is self-destruction. The current state of affairs is capitalism operating sub-optimally. Good fuckin’ thing?
We first-worlders whine about the exploitative nature of the financial industry and the rampant corruption in damn near every aspect of our lives. You know what the rest of the world worries about? Clean drinking water, not starving to death, not dying from a fucking cold. And oh yea, fucking slavery. That’s a link to SlaveryFootprint.org. Go there and fucking learn something. It takes like 10 minutes, you can DVR the fucking “Real Housewives of Banality”.
“What the fuck? Slavery?!” Oh yea, straight up and down. Another glorious by-product of our wondrous marketplace. You think that $1 shirt you got at Wal-Mart was wished into existence by doe-eyed sorcerers? You think smartphones are too expensive? Imagine if they had to pay everyone involved in the supply chain. lololol.
OK, so wtf?
This is going to seem like an over-simplification, and maybe it is, but we can begin to correct this with a simple realignment of perspective. Most people currently view the global economy as an incredibly complex mechanism, ruled by laws they can not begin to understand and regulated by an “Invisible Hand”. While the complexity is undeniable the rationalizations of its mechanisms are just that, rationalizations. They are not rules. They are an attempt to explain why. But the why is simple. Every single thing that exists is simply the product of humans and their technology. We have minds and thumbs and therefore we create, for better or worse. If the economy as we know it disappeared tomorrow it would be as it ever was; humans molding their environment in a way we see fit using nothing but our wits and acquired abilities.
How does this perspective help us? Well, it renders almost everything we concern ourselves with utterly ridiculous to spend any time thinking about. If reality says, again in an extremely simplified sense, all there is is people making things then terms like “economic crisis” become descriptions of delusions. We allow the abstract to dictate our actions and therefore our state of being. A perfect example is the Great Depression. What exactly happened there? The concept of money as the arbiter of the economy caused entire industries to sit idle while able-bodied people were unemployed. Nothing physical was preventing the machines from running or the people from working. It was simply our social contract and the way we negotiate trade. People were literally starving because they allowed a delusion to rule their reality. It’s just blatantly unnecessary and obviously destructive.
Word. I get that. So what then?
We are fortunate enough to live in an unprecedented time of flux for humanity. We have created the single greatest invention to ever exist; the Internet. It’s effectively the printing press * infinity. We haven’t even scratched the surface of its potential yet. Jesus Christ, look at what happened in Egypt and Libya. How much of that was only possible because of social media? Fucking Twitter played a major part in revolutions and Twitter is fucking retarded.
We have this new method of communication that can simultaneously decentralize and unify. It represents the future of our shared reality and what began with digital sharing (i.e. piracy) will continue to evolve into the physical world. The first signs of it exist already. A self-replicating 3D printer is a reality. Open Source Ecology is putting a construction set together to show people how to build the industrial tools needed to create civilizations. Combine just those two things with the concept of a Fab-Lab and it all starts coming together. If human labor being replaced by mechanized efficiencies has negative consequences on the economy then I humbly suggest it is our system of labor/distribution and not the technology that is to blame.
We live in a world of abundance and the only thing perpetuating suffering and want is out denial of reality. There is no such thing as scarcity. Shit, even diamonds are artificially scarce. So fuck Occupy Wall Street. Fuck politics. Fuck anything that spends any amount of time deluding itself. Not because it isn’t important but because you’re just doing what they expect you to do. Taking action doesn’t have shit to do with sitting around with a bunch of fucking hippies. It’s making choices. If you deem something morally reprehensible and you do it anyway that’s a problem, for all of us. Think Nike’s manufacturing practices are fucked? Stop buying their shit. Think the financial industry is fubar? Close your fucking bank accounts and stop using credit. Justify your actions however you want but there are options, it can be done, maybe you’re just too lazy to figure it out. Or maybe you’re just a social criminal like them. So make better choices stupid and see what the fuck happens then.
Our future is not filled with -isms. It’s just an upgrade to the same old, same old. People doing rad things because, well, because that’s what we do. All we have to do is embrace reality. Choose to ignore the shit that doesn’t matter and make choices you feel good about. That’s all we can do and it turns out that would be enough.
Given that I’m a malfunctioning geriatric, I threw my fucking back out at work yesterday. This means that I can now barely walk, and it takes me about 5 minutes to actually go from being on my bed to standing up on the floor. Lots of swears are involved. I am, in fact, roont. Super roont, even.
I Googled “roont babby” and got this “root baby” instead. Close enough.
My back feels like it’s being perpetually Scanners’d. I’ve got the heating pad that’s making me sweat like a fucking rapist. I’ve got the huge bottle of ibuprofen that I’ve been drinking from. But I’m still gnarled as fuck. Everyone says the best thing to do is lie down flat against the floor, and not fucking move even if there’s some sort of god damn Peter MacNicol skinflakewanktornado happening. So that’s what I did. I forgot to surround myself with things to do, though, so I immediately got bored. The only thing within reach was one of those old Bop It toys. You remember those, right? It played the demo song from a Casio keyboard while telling you to bop it, twist it, and/or pull it?
This motherfucker, right here.
Aye, that one. Well, I rolled it towards me like Bob Morton trying to grab Boddicker’s grenade off the table, and started in on the Dickelodeon-endorsed bastard. Surprisingly, it wasn’t as hard as I remembered it.
For those who never played it, look at the picture up above. When it told you to bop it, you’d hit that circular drum-looking thing. If it said twist it, you’d twist away on that yellow cyclone. If it said to pull it, you pulled on the blue thing. The amount of time you had to complete the action slowly diminished, and the commands would speed up. However, I seem to have broken some sort of barrier that I never had before.
Suddenly, it told me to “pull it… harder.” So I did, thinking nothing of it. Then it said, “twist it, back and forth, slowly… then faster.” I hesitated, but apparently did so in time for it to count.
“Spank it,” it told me. I laughed and pushed the bop it button. “No, spank it!” it repeated.
I sat there, confused. But time refused to run out. So… I spanked it.
“God damn it, yes!” it exclaimed. I took a moment to reflect on what I had been doing for a while.
Bop it? Yeah, that’s pretty much like doing the asshole porn star butt cheek thwap or something. Twist it? Totally nipples. And pull it… well, that one’s kinda obvious. (hint: DICKS.)
“Fellate it,” it suddenly said.
“I… wait, what?” I responded.
“Fellate…. it. Like… fellatio,” it said.
I stared, horrified.
“PUT IT IN YOUR MOUTH!” it screamed at me. A slight shock went through my hand, disabling my nerves and muscles and whatever the fuck else is in there. I’m not a god damn hand scientist, you know. Anyway, I couldn’t let go of this fucking machine, and it kept shocking me until I… *sigh*… put it in my mouth.
“No teeth,” it reminded me. Its voice had grown a lot darker. More unstable, more evil. “That’s it. Yeah… just…”
It must have gotten distracted by my ability to put things in my mouth, and whatever it had done to my hand was reversed. I was suddenly able to let go of it. So I did. I dropped that shit like hot spaghetti. Or… yeah, let’s go with it. I was still crippled as fuck, but I needed something to kill it with. I opted to just beat it with my head (it’s my lower back that hurts, so headbanging is still okay) until I bled profusely and its insides were spread across the floor. I was breathing heavily from the near-rape experience. Tired and emotionally drained. Yet victorious nonetheless.
This is clearly the worst fucking toy ever invented. I’m now sitting here trying to figure out what else to do while I fucking die slowly from back loss. H– Holy shit, is that a Skip It?? Hell yes!! I haven’t used o–FUCKING DICK TROUTS MY CHRISTING WHORE BACK WHY DIDN’T YOU COCK BRACELETS REMIND ME THAT I WAS ROONT MOTHER SHIT I’M DYING
No. You know what? No. I’m not doing this. Fuck this blog. I’m going back to writing my novel. I’ve put that on hold for far too long, and my counterpart has put his novel on hold as well. We could be Stephen Kings now, if it wasn’t for this bullshit. But no. No. Look at this. Look at these 55 posts of horsedick. All for what? For you 5 idiot people that visit each month, and never come back. You just randomly get directed here after searching for “robot dicks” or “fart barf graffiti”… I’ve fuckin’ had it. I’m not watching this movie, or doing this post.
EDIT: I read the first sentence of my novel again, and remembered that I can’t write for shit. So I might as well waste an hour and a half of my worthless life watching the Cthulhu-forsaken remake of Karate god damn Kid, another one I said I never would view as long as I lived. So here we go. The fucking kung fu kid. For the first time. Mother forgive me.
0:00:00 – Why the fuck am I doing this? 0:00:30 – [Lil’ Jon yells “okay” over the opening credits.] I’m going to kill myself. 0:00:37 – I just glanced at the time bar on this shit. It’s fucking 2 hours and 20 minutes long. I’m going to kill myself. 0:01:03 – [The horrible opening music fades out for something dramatic as we find out his father died.] I’m pouring myself a glass of wine and taking Benadryl with it. This is going to take courage. Or, at the very least, a heavy buzz. 0:02:28 – [Little Willie and his mom are getting ready to drive. Apparently directly to China, as their car is filled with shit.] Little Willie’s name is Dre. The good Doctor is shaking his head right now. Also, his friend just gave him a skateboard. Skateboards are expensive. I’d never give my friends anything that cost money. This movie is not factual. 0:02:34 – “We’ll call as soon as we land.” There’s no way you can bring all this shit on a plane… 0:03:24 – Oh, they’re in a taxi. There’s no way you can bring all that shit in a taxi… 0:07:31 – [There’s miraculously a random English-speaking nerdy white kid living in Dre’s apartment building in China.] I’m going to kill myself. 0:08:20 – [Dre’s mom gives him a cougar-ish look when introduced to his new nerdy white kid friend.] You saucy minx, I’ll give you something to smirk about… (I’m talking about sex.) 0:11:37 – [JACKIE CHAAAAAAAAN!] Dear Mr. Chan. Please… please make this movie better… 0:12:08 – [Jackie Chan acts like he’s going to catch a fly with chopsticks, then uses a fly-swatter.] Fuck this movie. I’m going to kill myself. 0:12:55 – [Dre goes towards the park where kids are playing.] Alright, now we’re talking. This movie has 10 minutes in which someone better get their ass beat, or I’m turning it off. 0:13:19 – [Nerdy white kid passes Dre a basketball.] “You play, right?” THAT’S RACIST!!!!! YOU’RE RACIST!!!!! 0:13:42 – [The single worst attempt to throw a basketball ever. committed by Dre himself.] Will Smith is suddenly wishing Jada wasn’t so fuckable. 0:15:07 – [Dre also just got served in ping pong.] I’m on my third glass of wine already. This movie is fucking hilarious. 0:16:36 – [Dre is talking to a girl. A group of kids are gathering and talking amongst themselves.] Fuck yeah. Someone’s about to lose a tooth. 0:19:24 – [Dre got his ass beat.] Lulz. 0:23:02 – There are like 5 more nerdy white kids hanging around in this school. Did they shoot this movie in North Dakota? 0:23:18 – Jesus fuck-donkeys, two more nerdy white kids. What the fuck is going on? Is this entire movie a dream sequence? 0:25:19 – [Mr. Miyagi… I mean Mr. Han walks in as Daniel… I mean Dre is practicing karate… I mean kung fu. just like the original.] I’m going to kill myself. 0:26:14 – “Did you just hit me… in my neck… with a toothpaste cap?” Oh, Jackie Chan, you are so awesome. Pouring more wine. 0:28:23 – [Another nerdy white kid in the background.] What the fuck? Who the fuck directed this? *Looks at IMDB* Harald Zwart? Who the fuck are y-… oh… oh, Agent Cody Banks. Okay, apologies. 0:28:59 – This bottle of wine is gone. Lulz. 0:29:31 – [Another nerdy white person. This one is an adult, and a music teacher… and has a British accent.] I’m going to kill myself. 0:32:20 – Dear Dre’s Mom. Your son is pretending to be asleep. This is the perfect time for us to get naked together. 0:33:34 – “…kung fu…” I… AM GOING… TO KILL MYSELF. 0:34:22 – “What do you learn here?” “No weakness! No pain! No mercy!” Fuck this movie. The wine is gone. Thank the tentacles I’m drunk right now… 0:35:06 – “It’s not karate, mom.” THEN WHY THE FUCK IS THIS MOVIE CALLED THE KARATE KID??? This is like remaking Seven Samurai, keeping the title, but having it be about 3 sculptors that sit around the back room of a fish market blowing each other. Fuck me, I’m going to kill myself. 0:41:06 – [Dre throws oil on the bullies. Apparently, they don’t get burned because the skin of a Chinese person is thickened by nanotech.] THAT’S RACIST!!!! 0:43:20 – [Dre got his ass beat again.] Lulz. 0:43:42 – [Dre shit his pants.] LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL All poop jokes aside, I can’t do this anymore. Fuck this noise. I’m surprised I made it this far.
You’re all worthless bags of shitty butts. I quit this blog.
EDIT: I slept off the bottle of wine and the Benadryl. I apologize for calling you shitty butts. But I’m still not watching the rest of this movie.
. . .
God damn it…
0:45:03 – The scene where Jackie Chan saves Dre from the bullies plays out almost exactly like it did in the original, except not at night on Halloween. One kid wants the lead bully to quit, but he says, “no, fuck that shit.” And then right before the killing blow, the day is saved by the grand master interloper. Of course, in this version, it’s fucking hilarious because the kids aren’t in high school… they’re all 12. So watching Jackie Chan kick the shit out of a bunch of 12 year olds is amazing. 0:45:26 – There’s nothing more satisfying than the smack sound of a kid’s face landing on pavement. 0:51:34 – The scene where they go in together to talk to the teacher about having his students stop trying to kill Dre plays out exactly the same as well. Fuck, this is like watching the god damn shot-for-shot remake of Psycho. I can’t do this anymore.
Fuck this movie. Seriously this time. He hasn’t even used that fucking expensive skateboard that he got for free from his friend. This is complete dickery. I’m going to watch the original. Then I’m going to kill myself.
There are several movies I have sworn to never watch for as long as I live. One is Avatar, obviously. Because fuck that shit. Another is Avatar 2, if they ever actually fucking make that bullshit. Yet another is (or, rather, was) Doom. Primarily because I was terribly against the idea that it had nothing to do with hell or a hell-like dimension. Also because, for some reason, I thought it was rated PG-13. “Fuck this movie,” I thought to myself.
*sigh*…
I wanted my pentagrams and Cthulhu-faces that I grew up with in the games. I wanted gore and evil shit and scary noises. Those games were my life. The first one was purchased as soon as it came out. It took me 2 or 3 years to get a computer that would run it. In fact, I was thankfully gifted with the 32x version in the meantime, so I could at least somewhat enjoy the (lesser) experience. When Doom 2 came out, I jizzed furiously for 12 hours straight. After replenishing my electrolytes with bananas or whatever, I snagged a copy and must have played it non-stop for that entire year. Doom 3 came, and I insta-bought that shit like one of you douchebags that strokes out and shits yourself whenever a new Apple product is released. Fuck, I even own the Doom novelizations, and thinking about them is making me want to read that shit again. I would even take up contortion and chew upon my own taint while humming the national anthem for a copy of the horrible comic book. (At this point, we have definitely lost 3.5 of our 4 readers. I’m so sorry.)
It’s no secret: I love Doom forever. And the movie, by all accounts, sounded like an abomination. Fuck this movie.
I am currently trying to not do work, by any means necessary. Driven by the sight of Doom in my friend’s movie folder just two nights ago, and seeing that it was unrated, I decided it was time to suck this monstrosity off. I can always play Doom 2 to wash the taste out of my mouth afterwards if necessary. I present to you now a real-time documentation of my very first viewing of Doom. Coming straight from someone that would allow the games (had they their own peens and sentience) to steal his precious anal virginity sans soap.
This is my foray into Doom, the unrated version. Hopefully I will not cut myself before it’s over. If I do, fuck this movie. [WARNING: Spoilers ahead, I’m sure.]
0:00:08 – “In the year 2026…” No. 0:00:14 – “…archeologists working in the Nevada desert discovered a portal to an ancient city on Mars.” No, no, no, no, no. 0:00:17 – “They called this portal The Ark.” LOL NOPE! 0:00:27 – “…and what happened to the civilization that built it.” Fuck this movie. 0:00:44 – [Universal logo floats around Mars instead of Earth.] Kudos. 0:01:12 – “Union Aerospace Corporation” At least they got that right… 0:02:15 – [Woman’s arm is ripped off.] Lulz. 0:03:48 – HA!! It’s that guy who gets his head sawed off in the ambulance in Rob Zombie’s Halloween 2! “Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, Hooks, Hooks, Hooks, fuck.” 0:05:22 – “Son, you are now in the Rapid Response Tactical Squad.” Hahaha! Yeah, just recruit the floor-mopper. He totally won’t die. 0:06:35 – Mighty fuck, the guns are talking to them. Or is it the ship? Fuck this movie. 0:10:42 – “You hesitate, people die.” Oh yeah, floor-mopper is totaly boned. 0:11:23 – “Welcome to The Ark, gentlemen.” What… the fucking Star Trek… is this shit? 0:12:24 – [First marine teleports.] Okay, that’s a little bit better. Those circles on the floor scared the shit out of me initially… 0:12:43 – HAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHA!!!!!!!!! 0:13:07 – “Call me Pinky.” Ohhh, nice reference to the awesome Pink demon guys who are now quite OBVIOUSLY not going to be in here. Fuck this movie. 0:13:27 – “Killcams up and running.” Fuck this movie. 0:14:22 – This girl is hot. 0:20:44 – I’m kind of upset that they aren’t using the door sounds from the games. I love those sounds, and whenever I hear them in other movies, I squirt out several drops of pee. 0:20:52 – LOL CRT MONITOR LOL! 0:27:53 – [Doctor guy from beginning of movie rips off his own ear.] Lulz. 0:30:56 – [Jesus-y marine guy cuts a cross into himself after saying ‘god damn it.’] “I took his name in vain.” Lulz. 0:31:44 – Boobies! 0:32:11 – Dead zombie boobies! 0:33:12 – WAIT. Where did this other doctor chick come from??? Fuck this movie. 0:38:16 – Why? Why would you keep the first doctor with black spots in his blood who ripped off his own ear in a different room that isn’t locked when every other doctor they’ve come across has tried to kill them? Fuck this movie. 0:39:34 – [Chasing what is apparently this movie’s version of an imp (let’s call it a faux-demon) through the sewer, they find the lab coat of one of the doctors.] I swear, if the doctors are turning into the supposed demons… 0:44:21 – This is the second time I’ve heard a little girl talk in the crowd of scientists, but I have yet to actually see a little girl in the crowd of scientists. What’s a little girl doing being a scientist anyway? 0:44:51 – What the fuck… Are all of these marines fucking doctors as well? 0:52:35 – Actual real imp now… Or is this the same as the faux-demon? Can’t tell just yet… 0:55:44 – [Asian marine gets his head knocked off after 50 minutes of guard duty and nothing more.] Seriously? Fuck this movie. 0:58:41 – [Doing an autopsy on the faux-demon they shot in the sewer.] “It’s had its appendix removed. It’s human.” OH MY GOD, FUCK THIS MOVIE. 0:58:50 – [Jesus-y marine guy zombie crosses himself.] …fuckthismovie. 0:59:17 – [Jesus-y marine guy zombie headbutts glass several times. Seems to have killed himself.] Lulz. 0:59:31 – “Goat knew he was turning.” Oh, so even though he was a zombie on his way to becoming a faux-demon, he was lucid enough to snuff it? I sure wish I was… 0:59:42 – [Looking at the faux-demon corpse again.] “This thing didn’t butcher Willits. It is Willits.” No shit. Also, fuck this movie. 1:00:31 – [Door to the Advanced Weapons room opens. Apparently just an empty closet with the BFG.] This thing looks like a shitty Nerf gun. 1:02:45 – [Real imp creature thing throws chaingun marine dude into the room with the CRT monitor.] … 1:03:42 – [Chaingun marine dude throws the CRT monitor at the imp.] YEEEEAAAAAHHHH!!!! 1:03:47 – [Chaingun marine dude swinging the CRT monitor over his head by the cord like a manager.] Pumping my fist so hard right now… 1:04:21 – [While being pressed against an electrified wall by the imp, chaingun marine dude stabs him in the head and front-flips over him.] God damn, this guy is AWESOME!! 1:04:52 – [Chaingun marine dude falls while trying to escape because the imp thing pulled him down. He’s dead.] Fuck this movie. Speaking of which, did the floor-mopper die already? Did I somehow miss that? 1:05:43 – Apparently it wasn’t the guns talking to them earlier, otherwise Halloween 2 dude would’ve known he was out of bullets. 1:05:52 – [Halloween 2 dude drops his extra magazine.] Lulz. Clumsy bitch. 1:07:58 – [BFG shoots like it’s supposed to.] *nods* Mhm. Mhm mhm mhm. 1:08:11 – Oh, hai, floor-mopper! 1:09:45 – Okay. So what was supposed to be the real imp was the first doctor dude that ripped his ear off. He mutated. FUCK. THIS. MOVIE. SO. FUCKING. HARD. WITH. A. CHAINSAW. 1:10:06 – “It must be a genetic mutation. Something environmental or viral.” This movie. Fuck it.
[At this point, I am taking a break to masturbate furiously, for no reason other than I want SO desperately to feel alive… if only for a moment.]
1:13:18 – *sigh* 1:17:26 – “Linked to what? Evil?” “Ten percent of the human Genome is still unmapped. Some say it’s the genetic blueprint for the soul.” I no longer want to live. 1:18:52 – “They’re disabling computers now?” “Yeah. They’re rocket scientists, remember?” XCVBCMKAODFMOAEW;BPRRTHRATP3W4 1:19:46 – [Bunch of zombies are eating someone.] Lulz. 1:21:00 – [Panning a room of dead people. One girl has her boob hanging out.] Seriously? 1:22:18 – “By any…….. means……. necessary.” Dear fuck, there’s seriously 30 minutes left of this horsedick? 1:22:23 – LOLOLOLOLOL! Pinky’s back! HOVEROUUUUUUNNNNNNND! 1:23:22 – “We kill them all…. let god sort them out.” *HEADDESK* 1:24:05 – Oh, bai, floor-mopper! 1:24:42 – I know by now The Rock is totally losing his shit and I’m supposed to start cheering for Karl Urban, but fuck that dude. His involvement in the upcoming Judge Dredd movie makes him expendable. 1:25:24 – “Aw, there’s something behind me, isn’t there?” I am punching myself in the dick. 1:25:27 – [Demon-creature picks Pinky up by the face, Hoveround and all, and swings him into a desk.] Dick-punching on hold. Lulz commencing. 1:27:28 – “I’m not supposed to diiiiiieeeee.” Back to dick-punching. Fuck this movie. 1:27:53 – [Karl Urban’s ricochet is probably going to kill him.] That’s what you get, fuckmunch. 1:28:46 – [Karl Urban is being injected with Chromosome 24.] Oh, wonderful… 1:29:30 – “If I should turn into one of those demons…” Look, I’m calling them “demons” in this post because it’s better than calling them god damn alien-chromosome-infected pissclams-with-claws. But that doesn’t mean they are demons, and fuck you for referring to them as such. You could’ve done so much with this movie… but instead… fuck this movie. 1:30:23 – [Cue guitars and first-person view… probably for the remainder of the movie.] FUCK. THIS. MOVIE. 1:30:48 – FUCK THIS MOVIIIIIEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!! 1:31:24 – [Close-up face being blown off.] Lulz. 1:32:22 – [Demon-thing gets shot in the ass.] Lulz. But still… 1:32:43 – [Demon-thing wielding a chainsaw.] May each and every one of you heartless shits be strangled by your own horrible children. 1:32:55 – [Karl Urban jumps OVER chainsaw demon.] GET FUCKED. 1:33:20 – [Grenade dings like a kitchen timer before exploding.] … I’m half and half on this one. 1:33:32 – “Sam.” For the 50th bloody time, Karl Urban has said his sister’s name. Why? Is he trying to remind himself that he’s a good person so he doesn’t turn into a “demon” or something? If so… fuck this movie. 1:33:38 – Oh, hai, Pinky demon!! 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 1:34:15 – HOVEROUND! 1:35:06 – Oh thank Cthulhu, I think the FPS part is done… 1:37:41 – WHY ISN’T THIS MOVIE OVER YET???? 1:39:02 – Where the fuck did The Rock get a rocket launcher?? Goddddd, FUCK THIS MOVIE! 1:39:28 – Nevermind. It was a boiler or something. Equally fuck this movie. 1:40:01 – “Semper fi, motherfucker!” …………………………. 1:40:16 – [The Rock and Karl Urban are preparing for a fist fight.] I hate myself. I hate my life. However, come on The Rock! Kick his Vespa-riding ass! 1:43:52 – [The Rock dies.] God damn it. My balls hurt. I no longer enjoy the taste of air. Fuck this movie. 1:44:09 – Karl Urban’s sister looks the hottest she has all movie. So hot that even Karl Urban is thinking about cupping a breast while she’s passed out. 1:44:23 – [Credits roll.] ……….. No Cyberdemon. No Spiderdemon. No Baron of Hell. No Cacodemon. No Arch-vile. Fuck this movie.
So, there you have it. Trust your fucking instincts. If this movie wasn’t called Doom, it would be decent-ish. In that sort of popcorn way. But thank you, director-whose-name-I-can’t-pronounce. You’ve ruined the chance to have one of THE most fucked up and disturbing and violent and awesome sci-fi/horror movies of all time. We’re talking Event Horizon on speed. But nope. Now my whole crotchal region is black and blue, my right arm is tired from punching, I no longer have any reason to not drown in the shower, and I’m pretty sure I will never know happiness. May you forever be haunted by the cries of all those like me, punching away at their dicks, screaming at the top of their lungs, “Fuck this movie.”
This is the face we make when we find out you haven’t killed yourself yet.
All poop jokes aside, I can’t do this anymore. Fuck this noise. I’m surprised I made it this far.
Girlfriends Don't Have Dicks 