Robochicks: Eternal Bonerisms

Everyone talks about women that age like a fine wine. I don’t know what that means, because a bottle of wine doesn’t last 10 minutes in my life. Let it breathe before pouring? Go fuck yourself.

Enough about the wonders of grapes. We’re discussing breast-carriers here. So, fine wine. You normally think of those who still look good in their old age. Like Meryl Streep or Audrey Hepburn. But what of robochicks? Robochicks are girls that DON’T age. Ever. Hence robots. They’re also girls. Hence chicks.

I’m pleasuring her off-camera.

Strangely enough, this is rather common in those you expected to die of VD a good 20 years ago. So let’s dive right in to our top 5 robochicks of recent times.

5. Elvira
Awwww yeah. Cassandra Peterson. Here’s a woman that has always been sexy, and lead to my unfulfilled high-school desire to make out with a goth girl. And now, at age 60, she still fucking brings it.
Then:
And now:
This is just… I mean… *sigh* Drain my blood if you want, I don’t care. Just touch me somehow.

4. Pat Benatar
As a child, I used to talk about marrying Pat Benatar. I wanted to marry several girls, but since she was one of the earliest, let’s go with it. I still talk about it. Every day. Usually when I’m eating dry toast alone, hoping that my salty tears will somehow taste like butter. (They never do.) Weighing in at a virile 58 years old, I don’t know how she has stayed such a fox. One rule of being a rock star is that you are like a shark. Except instead of dying from staying still, you die from not having sex and taking drugs. Given that she’s still alive, and still marriage material, she’s obviously a robot.
Then:
And now:
Aye, she still looks like she could rock out. But she also looks like she could secretly beat our children when I’m not home. And that is a trait that I find sexier than the most amazing eyes or the ability to spider-walk down stairs. I was on vacation once, and left the day she was playing there. Literally missed her by just a few hours. She has no idea how close she was to eating wedding cakes with me.

3. Joan Jett
Continuing on with the badass rocker girls, we now have Joan Jett. A young’un at 53, she’s still old enough to be considered for this article. And foxy enough. Another one of my future wives, as well. Or, rather, she was when the world was my oyster. A whole new generation has been introduced to her with that movie The Runaways… but she was portrayed by the Twilight dudette, which wasn’t exactly a great choice. She somewhat looked the part, but her pouty lips didn’t really say “your intestines would look good hanging from my rear-view.” Nevertheless, the real Joan Jett can love me forever if she’s not too busy, because I will surely reciprocate.
Then:
And now:
My Cthulhu… she looks just like a girl I’d see at the cafe and not have the guts to talk to. I would do anything for just 12 seconds of makin’ out with her.

2. Michelle Pfeiffer
I wanted to add a number of actresses in here. But the only one that I felt truly embodied a robochick was Miss Pfeiffer. Going back in time, she dazzled straight men with peeps in Scarface. And to this day… she looks exactly the same. Maybe a few more smile-lines, but that is simply a camouflage subroutine built into robochicks so they blend in a bit more. She’s not fooling us. Another young buck at 53. However, I fully expected her marriage with Peter Horton to be her undoing. Something about him reminds me of James Cameron, so I automatically hate him and expect him to be filled with horrible diseases and ideas. But she survived, somehow. And still looks like someone I’m not even worthy of fapping over.
Then:
And now:
Did… did you get hotter? Are you some kind of breasty Benjamin Button? It matters not. Those eyes are the reason why I’m glad I’m not blind. Seriously, that look… nothing else has ever made me want to kill people in someone’s honor so much. She doesn’t even have to talk. Just stare at me.

1. Jane Wiedlin
You may remember her as Joan of Arc in Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure. Or perhaps as the guitarist in The Go-Go’s. Either way, you may be wondering why she’s number one on this list. Well, it’s all because I am writing this, not you. So deal with it or feel free to read another blog. NO! No, wait! Come back, I didn’t mean it. Please, you’re the only one that comes here. Please stay… Anyway, she’s on this list because she got sexier. Way sexier. The same could be said about any of the other entries, given your taste. But… Well, see for yourself.
Then:
And now:
HOT. YOU ARE HOT. PLEASE CALL ME. I HAVE NO MONEY AND NO FUTURE PROSPECTS BUT I AM GOOD AT HEATING UP VEGGIE BURGERS. THINK ABOUT IT.

You might be wondering why we didn’t put in certain people like Winona Ryder or Ashley Judd. Well, they simply aren’t old enough. You might complain that some of the ages are off. That’s either because you’re reading this late, or because I can’t math. Either way, Fuck you. You might also be saying things like “plastic surgery” or “botox” or something… to which I reply, shut up. Do not use your fancy science-talk to negate our belief in robots. Let us have this.

I also realize that this is probably the most straight-forward post we’ve had in ages, and one that actually makes it sound as though we like things. With that in mind, here’s a picture of what came out of my mouth/butt when I accidentally glanced at the DVD cover for Avatar at the store:

To be fair. I had a lot of red Kool-Aid before this.

The Rapture: And How To! Yes Please!

It’s tough to ignore all the chatter on the bloggertubes about the Rapture today. Everyone and their mom suddenly thinks they’re a comedian. “lol lol lol! rapture! who wants 2 bone? last chance!”. Good one douche. Most people seem to be interpreting “rapture” as “apocalypse” though and they’re actually different events. Event is probably the wrong word to use though since, you know, events actually have to happen. The Rapture is actually when Jizzy Chrizzy is supposed to swoop in and snatch up all the faithful and take them up to Cloud Town. Seriously.

That’s so fucking cold.

This of course is supposed to be the first stage of the Apocalypse. Once Jesus’ homies are safe and sound with the harps and shit the horses are coming with their trumpets or whatever. Fiery swords, bloody Moon, Roseanne doing standup. It’s supposed to be pretty brutal. But I say bring it the fuck on.

To me the notion of martyrdom, some would say the core concept of Christianity, is the absolute anti-thesis of life. All life forms seek to survive and replicate. That is quite literally their primary objective. With Christianity, the hero of the greatest story every told opts to be tortured and killed by his oppressors and it’s viewed as righteous. Righteous! This dude is depicted as the son of god and throughout his story he performs all kinds of badassery; bringing the dead back to life, healing the blind, water into wine etc. So basically, he’s a Justice Sorcerer. But instead of reigning fiery (possibly lightningy) justice all over Pilate and his slave-driving friends, he just dies. Like a bitch.

Seriously? If this were a movie you’d be so fucking let down.

Why is this a big deal? It sets the worst precedent ever! Just apply what happened to some other story. The Gandolf/Balrog throw down comes to mind. In this example Gandolf would have thought something along the lines of “Well, if it’s His will then so shall it be.” That Balrog would’ve punted his Gray ass off that bridge and stomped out the Hobbitses. End of movie. Fuck. That! In the really-real world it allows people to dodge accountability for their circumstances. Some shit about a plan and mysterious ways. It’s all totally retarded.

It’s bad enough that 90% of humans believe in a sentient creator, thus negating the frail majesty of evolution and how fucking lucky we are to exist at all, without adding a childish lack of responsibility. Believing that regardless of what happens here on Earth that when you die you’ll be swept away to paradise is not only ridiculous but dangerous. What value can you put on life if this is a bus stop to eternity? What responsibility can you have for the generations before us who struggled endlessly so we could exist today? What about future generations? An ethereal guardian is a complete cop out of your life and a slap in the face of the Universe that you come from. Your existence is not fucking guaranteed and if enough of you continue to relegate your life to something that isn’t fucking real you’ll doom the lot of us.

So bring on this fucking rapture. It would delight me so for you sniveling children to disappear and leave the Earth to the adults. Too bad though because if what you believe is true there’s someone up there who has a better plan…

I don’t know who made this but, whoever you are, you’re my fucking hero!

GDHD For Hire: Internetses

As that oh so sexy cartoon (that I totally wish was a real person so I could be crushed under the weight of her robotic body during sex) Motoko said, “The net is vast.” Of course, I’ve taken this sound clip and altered it with slices from Rachel Ray’s show so that it says “the your peepnet is vegan” and then I pretend that she just can’t speak English very well, but is talking about my inability to love her properly. Then I weep.

But I digress. The net surely is vast. And people pay millions of dollars for idiots with clipboards to tell them just what’s going to be coming in the next decade of months. Well, my sultry passionfruits, we thankfully don’t believe in money here at GDHD – or, rather, we simply can’t ever seem to get any – so this one’s on us.

Internet dating. It’s been around since I got my first girlfriend named Girl48928 in an AOL 2.0 chat room. Back then, you had to do all the work. Go into the rooms, scan the people there, ask for their a/s/l. Now, it’s all automated. We have all these OKCupid sites or Match.gov or whatever they are, using giant robots and angry leprechauns to match you with someone that will most likely be your soul mate. Now, the internet is usually quite balanced on all things. Patriotism – Anarchism. Unity – Racism. R.L. Stine – Christopher Pike. But the one thing that has never evened out is internet dating.

May we present to you the idea of eCacophony. It’s an internet dating site… without the dating. Let’s say, for instance, you don’t want to find the girl of your dreams. You’d much rather find someone who will cheat on you so that you can scream and yell about what a tramp she is while she defends herself by calling you a prude. Consider it done! Looking for a guy who will leave you for your best friend because she looks like she puts out a lot better? Can do! Don’t want to wait the 2 months or half-a-week it would take for them to ditch you? Even better.

Seriously, why wait for this?

eCacophony skips the faux-dating and goes right to the fight! Let’s face it. You can usually tell when someone’s an asshole. But what you can’t tell is whether or not they will continue to be so. Your genuine kind nature could possibly change their ways. And suddenly, you’re left with a bro-dude or a gutterslut that somehow has fallen head-over-heels for you. Talk about a nightmare! One that not even R.L. Stine or Christopher Pike or racist patriots could write about! We don’t believe in uncertainty. We feel that such possibilities should be eradicated. Enter… eCacophony.

We hoped for egetfucked.com but we thought it might send the wrong message.

eCacophony will offer several different ways to interact with your fellow misanthropes. You should start by perusing user profiles. This will give you a bit of an idea of the struggle you’re about to engage in and some talking points to get the ball rolling. Does your conversational partner love cats? Maybe you should bring up how you’ve been working on a way to liquify cats for a new energy drink using nothing but a burlap sack and the soundtrack from “Irreversible“. Perhaps they’re an anarcho-capitalist. I guess that means you should tell them about how you got kicked off the police force for molesting the homeless because “they’re not really people”. Oh yea, they’ll love that…

This. Is going. To rule!

But don’t think you are limited to scanning hundreds of profiles to find your ideal breakup argument. With our brilliantly reverse engineered Chatroulette function (called Fightroulette, for the lawmen’s sake), you can instantly find that missing variable in your conflict equation.

Yeah, we know you can’t read that because WordPress is for people still running 640×480 resolution on their fucking CRT monitor from ’94. Just click on the picture and stop being an asshole.

We’re still working out the actual programming details. Mainly finding someone to do it in exchange for us not killing them. It’s a pain in the ass for us to even write this damnable blog. How do you think we’d do writing pages of code? Unless <boner> and <robocop> become proper tags in HTML6, we’re most likely not programming a single fucking thing. So don’t expect to see eCacophony.com, well, ever. Still though, how awesome would it be?!

Girls Who Say “Robit”

If you’ve spent any amount of time on this aberration of wordsmithery then you’re well aware that we hate damn near everything. And rightfully so, as everything sucks and is perpetrated by dicks. However, I’d like to take a second to recognize something we love…

If this is you… we love you.

Of course this particular TED Talk tugs on our power-nerd heart strings. Fucking robots! YEEEESSSS! But what really gets me is what Cynthia Breazeal represents; a super foxy, wildly intelligent girl who out-nerds the shit out of me and sometimes says “robit” instead of “robot”. And she’s rocking killer boots! She’s just… perfect.

It’s important for me to know that girls like this actually exist. That’s all this post is about. I got nothing else. If you are a foxy scientist, we love you. Thank you for existing. Call me.

GDHD Art School: Lesson 1

You may have noticed that we are artistic Jesi here at GDHD. How did we get this way? Who might we have given a tug job for such skills? Well, how we got here or who we beat off is not important. What is important is that you can be just as amazing as us. Don’t pay savage Monopoly amounts of money to go to school for 4+ years and learn close to 47 different ways to make art. Read on, for free, and learn the right way.

Lesson 1 : How to draw a banana.

Bananas (or Nanners) are the cornerstone of art, both modern and classical. Renoir once said, “He or she who can not draw a banana properly will never truly appreciate the world, nor will the world truly appreciate them.” Bananas are symbolic of confidence, power, tastiness, proteins, grams of sugar, and the sexual attraction of others. Drawing a proper banana and giving it to the one you love will instantly win their heart. Ever notice how divorce was so uncommon in the past? This had nothing to do with laws or religion. This was due to the drawings of bananas.

Step 1:
Make a C. Not a normal C. Pretend you put a C on some silly putty (or a Stretch Armstrong) and elongated the hell out of it. This will be the basis for our banana.You may notice that the line is very light. That’s because we need to erase it later. It’s the equivalent of gently using an HB pencil in real life. But we know that none of you reading this can afford pencils or paper, so we’re going the MSPaint route.

Step 2:
Draw another line (horizontally) to indicate the desired thickness of the banana. Not too thick, of course. We aren’t drawing pickles here until lesson 35.
Those of you who are fans of Marvel comics might notice the resemblance to Deadpool. That’s because the creator of Deadpool knew the benefit of drawing bananas.

Step 3:
Draw another funky C where the left side of your banana’s front part will be. Follow this with one more where the right side will be.
Don’t worry if you don’t follow the original guide. Remember that it will be erased anyway.

Step 4:
Now we’re going to finish the body of the banana. Use a darker colour, and perhaps a bigger brush. Not too big. We want this to look realistic.
Notice that the dimensions are now perfect, thanks to our guide. Don’t worry if yours aren’t. That’s what shading is for.

Step 7:
We will now draw the stem and the face of the banana.
You can now feel the bits what dangle betwixt thine legs a-tingling. This is normal. Try not to touch yourself if you are drawing this in public.

Step 2:
We’re ready for colour!!!
True bananas are true yellow. Use the colour of your urine for the shadow of its backside. (Mine is currently a bit dark due to the blood emanating from when I tried to prove that my kidneys were nailgun-proof. (They aren’t.))

Step 14:
Add the cape.
Now, you might be wondering why this doesn’t look exactly right. Don’t worry. It’s simply because of the guide lines we drew before! Honestly, this banana is fucking perfect. Don’t doubt us. What? No, you can NOT draw a better banana than this. Shut the fuck up or get out of my classroom. I don’t need your shit, I’m a fucking artist.

Step End:
Erase the guide lines.
God damn it, what the fuck. What happened? WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK. This is such fucking bullshit. Digital is for dicks. I knew I should have used crayons. Stop laughing. Stop fucking laughing! You know what? Fuck it. Fuck art. Fuck you. Art is for fucking Nancy cakes. Chew my taint, dildo farmers. Pencils look like diseased yaks. You can’t say “acrylic paints” without accidentally raping yourself. I hope they find the artist gene and eradicate it within the next few years. Fuck this bullshit. Blind people have no idea how fucking good they have it. I SAID STOP LAUGHING. Seriously, eat my piss, you poignant cocksuckers. Get out of my fucking classroom. All of you. You know what? I’m still the greatest artist ever. I don’t care what you say. LOOK AT THIS FUCKING WORK OF AWESOME.

Go fuck yourself, art fags.