Dickelodeon: Part 2

Recap with Part 1 here.

So, what’s next? What part of your childhood are we about to ruin this time? Well, I’m sorry to say, we must discuss the goings-on of Nick Arcade.

Once again, a game show everyone wanted to be on. Why? Because you got money and prizes for kicking ass at Golden Axe. Then what happens? You go into a video game. I’ll repeat that. YOU GO INTO A FUCKING VIDEO GAME. Seriously? How could this show get any better?

Glory. Pure glory.

Alas… behind the scenes, things were a bit less glamorous. At first glance, Phil Moore (the beloved host) seemed like a refreshing change from the boring antics of Wesley Eure. He was hip and active and fun. He got you riled up. He was a showman. But what made this possible? Two words: Co. Caine.

“Come onnnn, pelican!”

Now, this may not seem like a big surprise. Obviously, most game show hosts are hooked on one or twelve substances. And we here at GDHD are not against recreational drug use, as we are big fans of Dokken. However, Phil’s problem led to some very disturbing actions.

It’s unknown whether Phil blamed his addiction on Latinos, but it’s quite clear that he hated anyone of such descent. (Yeah, you got shut down hard, Ricardo.) But this wasn’t the only issue. All racism aside, it’s quite interesting how many players seemed to… well, suck horribly or suck even horribly-er. Or else they were simply not thrilled to be on such a fucking awesome show. Why is this? After watching that last video, you may have noticed something strange: Bobby’s eyes. Let’s take a closer look.

That robot… took my sandwich…

When we zoom in with science, we notice that Bobby’s eyes are swimming with intoxication personified. Bobby, WHY???? What explanation could there possibly be??? Did Phil share some of his coke with the contestants? Of course not, you idiotface. Then they’d be a lot more active, with better reflexes. The truth is (thanks to our imagination reliable inside sources) that Phil Moore would spike all the refreshments with downers. Lots of downers. Why? Because even a witty guy on coke can’t compete with the hyperactivity of a kid that’s about to be IN A FUCKING VIDEO GAME. So he did what he could to make them super docile. He wasn’t about to let any of these ruffians show him up. This also afforded him the opportunity to mock their horrible playing. Of course, most of his attacks towards their skills were fueled by cocaine. And edited for TV. But we have a transcript from an original recording we’d like to share with you. For reference to the televised version, see Jamal’s video above.

“Jamal, come back! There are still people being sucked into the ozone, Jamal! Jump up– Wrong one, Jamal! You stupid fucking short bus of a worthless child. I know it’s all blue screen, but open your fucking eyes. It’s not like it’s hard. Jesus fucking Christmas, Jamal, a dozen paraplegics glued together with Rodan’s giant bird-jizz could jump higher than you. For fuck’s fucking sake, THE HUMANS! Save the god damn humans! Wow, you are a plastic-surgery-disaster. Mighty fuck, just…”
[At this point, Phil goes backstage into the blue screen room and choke-slams Jamal.]
“Look. Look at what I’m doing. Stop crying, STOP FUCKING CRYING! Look at me. You see? Humans. The only thing at the top of the buildings being sucked up by fucking aliens. How piss-drinking hard is it, you vertical fuck up? Oh, are those tears running down your fat face? They look like pussies to me. Get up. GET UP! Do it again. Push start. Fucking push it, I swear to god… I will rip your fucking face off and vomit into it nightly outside your parents’ bedroom while singing King Diamond songs at the top of my vengeful lungs, Jamal…”

It gets progressively worse from there… But you get the picture. However, his problems didn’t stop at these kinds of outbursts. You see, Phil didn’t make much money from the show. And there were occasionally droughts, due to the (in his words) “fucking Nazi Marxist Pinko dick assflaps at the shitty piss fuck DEA.” In these times, when his constant high wore off, you may have noticed him painted in a different light. That is to say, he looked as though he was about to cry because he perioded himself. And he most likely did…

In the end, Phil Moore succumbed to the cancellation of this once-fun show. However, he does not view this as a setback. He thinks of his run on Nick Arcade as a great success. Every January 12th, the anniversary of the show’s first airing, Phil has a celebratory wank onto a marble bust of John Lithgow. He has had his heart replaced five times due to his incessant cocaine use. Of course, each one is paid for by NASA, as they view him as an “invaluable addition to the human race.” We don’t necessarily agree with his methods of hosting a show… but that’s not to say we disagree with NASA in this matter. In the end, the destruction of a youthful spirit or two is worth it to have a show like Nike Arcade. And for the first and only time in this series of articles, we will say this: Nick Arcade’s sordid history is okay with us.